Life has an excellent way of throwing all sorts of craziness at us when we feel least capable of coping with it. But if there is one thing I have learned in my 23 years of life it is that humans are brilliantly resilient!
Feel like the world has dropped out from beneath your feet? Put on your favorite song and dance anyway. Dance until the tears pouring down your face have dried. Dance until the sobs have faded away and turned to smiles. Dance at 2am in the morning when you can’t sleep. Dance in the bathroom in a silent house where everyone else is asleep and it’s the only place you can go to avoid bothering people.
Here’s the thing: I’ve had plenty of times where I feel like I just can’t go on. I just want to quit. But I’ve been learning all sorts of things about myself since the beginning of the year. And I’ve learned that there is a time for crying. And no need to feel ashamed of those moments! But I can’t wallow. That’s been my problem. I have gotten into the bad habit of allowing myself to continue a cycle of depression by dwelling on all that is bad or all that could go wrong.
Thanks to some very dear people that I work with and have spent a good deal of time with, I’ve been learning to get up, brush myself off, and determine to see all that is good and beautiful. It wasn’t anything specific they said or did. Just by being unashamedly themselves they inspired me to keep trying. To lift my head and blink in the sunlight.
I’m scared. Never doubt that. And I still have moments where I’m not quite sure I can keep going. Every day seems to bring another new thought or emotion that could drag me right back to where I was nearly six months ago. But I keep trying. I’m smiling more. I’m less depressed. I am so glad to be alive!
Can you believe that? I can’t! Me?? Happy to be alive? Excited to keep living? Who am I and what has happened to sad, moody, depressed Emily? She’s growing. She’s learning who she is and deciding not to apologize for it. She has discovered that her thoughts and opinions do matter. She is an adult, not a child. She deserves the respect of others, but, more importantly, of herself.
Life is a rollercoaster. And I’m learning to accept that. I’m learning to let go of the need to control everything, but I’m also taking control of the one thing that I can: myself. I’m learning to dance.